ISLAND LIFE… Meet the parents

By Sabine Cassar-Alpert

Today is a very special Sunday: Not only is it the fourth advent, but Mum asked me to invite Raymond over for lunch. It’s almost like having him for Christmas lunch. This is the first time that he’s going to meet all the family!

At first, Raymond wasn’t exactly enthusiastic, but in the end I did manage to coax him into saying yes. I mean, if he really loves me, he should meet my family, wouldn’t you agree?

Last Monday I took him shopping for clothes. Don’t get me wrong; I just love his sexy look in those washed out jeans and crinkled shirt. But they are not exactly appropriate for the occasion. I don’t even dare imagining what Dad would say! Unfortunately it turned out Ray has outgrown his Confirmation suit. So we went down to that new shop, Smashing Outfits, and spent a fortune on a charcoal grey suite with matching shirt and tie. He does look a little strange, but I’ll get used to it.

Tuesday and Wednesday I prepared him for Thursday: I had made an appointment for Raymond at Mariella’s Salon. Mariella was very happy to indulge herself in that mane of his, while Ray watched on in the mirror in stoic silence. I still remember how his beautiful long, shiny black hair was the first thing hat made me take notice of him. He really looked smashing. But I can’t do that to Mum. She’d faint if she saw him like that!

We spent the rest of the week arguing over what he should say – and more importantly, what he shouldn’t! Raymond is studying graphical communication and fashion design. His greatest ambition is that of becoming a famous fashion stylist. Ray is really very talented at creating clothes; he even designed his mother’s dress for his sister’s wedding. Everybody commented on her fabulous outfit that day! Of course he’ll better keep quiet about that. Uncle Richard would immediately think of him as a closet gay! I hope Raymond will remember to take that diamond stud off his ear. 

Already 12 o’clock! Everything is set in the kitchen, the candle-lit dining table looks fit for a queen’s visit, and the roast pork’s delicious aroma is wafting through the whole house. It’s going to be a magnificent lunch!

Oh what a disaster!. Everything was prepared so well, and then nothing worked out the way it should have. To start with, our poodle, Benji, became totally obsessed with sniffing out Ray’s trousers. To say it was embarrassing is the understatement of the year.

Then Uncle Richard and Uncle Tony arrived with their wives… and Raymond stuck out like a sore thumb in his suit. All the men present were wearing jeans and sweaters! I tried to ignore the arrows Raymond’s eyes shot at me.  

When everyone was seated at the table, conversation was dragging along – my family actually seemed intimidated by Raymond! Only Benji still continued with his annoying behaviour, and I really wish I had locked him out in the yard before he had the chance to relieve himself at Raymond’s left leg! 

Uncle Richard did the expected and asked, “So tell us Raymond, what are you doing?” “Oh, I’m studying graphical design,” Raymond replied, “but that’s only temporary, until I get a place in law studies.” He looked very uncomfortable with that lie… “Ah,” uttered Uncle Richard. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Later I overheard Uncle Richard asking Daddy in the kitchen, “Where in heaven did she meet that boring nerd?”

Wednesday already. I’m so unhappy; it’s Christmas Eve, and Raymond has still not replied to any of my text messages. Why is he doing this to me …?